Sunday, March 08, 2009

A Trip to the Lesbian Dentist

By "The Hostess"

With the new year comes my annual promise to get check ups. That
includes a trip to the dentist . It sucks, but it's what you're
supposed to do.

Along with mammograms and pap smears, these checkups are evil, but a
necessary one. As tantalizing as having a total stranger arrange my
boob on a slab and squish it, I only get that done once a year. A
intrigued as I am reading "How to please my man"-Cosmo mag. Aug 1997,
while freezing in a napkin size gown and socks, I only see my happy go
lucky gynecologist once a year. So when the dentist reminds me to come
in every 6 months for a "good cleaning" that time frame becomes very

Let's be honest here…unless the woman is wearing leather or vinyl, I'm
just not that into being poked or prodded.

So I made the appointment with the idea that "I'd rather have a root
canal" might not be a good line of thought.

For me a trip to the dentist is a trip back to childhood…but not in a
good way. I sit in the waiting room, trying to drown out that
mosquito-pitched drill noise and practicing my calm face for when the
hygienist gets overzealous. She's this big black woman; she's good and
she's thorough. She has gigantic breasts and as she grips my head to
her bosom I fall into the childhood dream of being held fast by
motherly arms-that is, until I feel that incredibly sharp pointy tool
wedged between my teeth and gums.

Most of the time I try to keep my eyes closed. I have my calm face on,
trying desperately to stay in the happy place…which is not, by the
way, the fake painting of wildflowers in a meadow on the far wall. My
eyes do open though…usually when the hygienist reaches the point where
my toothbrush has obviously failed. She's half-Nelsoned my head so
that when my eyes shoot open I'm gazing at the ceiling. Again
childhood flashes. They've put a mobile up there…little toothbrushes,
teeth and toothpaste dance above my head, like pixies before a roaring
fire which is my third molar.

Soon it's over, and unlike me, my hygienist doesn't seem that
concerned about the incredible amount of blood I'm spitting into a
small metal sink. The hard part is over and here comes my report card.
I am 10 yrs. old and being scolded for not flossing like I should. My
dentist strolls in and looks at xrays. She too picks up a sharp
instrument. Why must everyone be reaching into my mouth with sharp
objects? I try to answer many questions with both her hands and the
sharp instrument in my mouth…this cannot end soon enough.

So how do you like living in Narberth?

"fing" is the best I can do.

Is the water fluoridated there?

"ow da uck ud i no" comes out before I can stop it.

She pulls out both her hands and looks at me. "Sorry, I didn't get
that last anwser."

"I'm not sure…but I like living there very much." I flash my newly
cleaned teeth.


"Yes", she says. "I took my girlfriend to a great restaurant there for
her birthday." She smiles back.

I'm speechless. I've been going to this dentist for three years. She's
adorable, bubbly….and did she just tell me she's a lesbian? I start
looking for clues. No wedding ring. Check. Sensible shoes. Check. But
there's a couple of problems:

1. Straight women always call their friends their girlfriends…like
they have boy-friends that aren't boyfriends. There should be laws
against that.

2. She's Asian. I don't know about you, but I have a hard time telling
whether women of color are gay. Call me stupid…

3. I'm just not Miss Confidence when it comes to schmoozing it up with
women…they make me nervous (in a good way) but usually I turn beet red
and mumble something about my left shoe…

Which is just what I did. I sat there and got a clean bill of health
from my dentist and walked out of there not knowing what she meant.
Whether she was being friendly, or whether I had just missed some sort
of secret handshake for the club.

Sh*t. You know what this means, don't you?

It's gonna kill me to do this, but…I can hardly say it…I just might
have to start going to the dentist more often. Oh, the humanity…

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