Monday, October 24, 2005

Health Books Not Hateful Enough?

By Devon Ryan
The Daily Texan

The Texas State Board of Education ruled Friday to exclude any and all information on contraception and disease prevention from middle school health textbooks. The books will now stress only abstinence. The board also added a definition of marriage as a "life-long union" between one man and one woman. However, the board voted against including language that said homosexuals are more likely to use illegal drugs and commit suicide.

This is just evidence of the liberal media corrupting the board's decisions and our poor innocent youth. Obviously homosexuality has been endorsed by health textbooks long enough and sixth-grade is the ultimate battleground age for "be gay, not be gay."

If this vital information is not included, then all of our children will be gay, and then there won't be any children any more. Is that what you want? Well, God wants homosexuals to use illegal drugs and commit suicide, and we as faithful proponents of a book we've yet to read must follow His word and teach our youth that being gay causes you to be a corrupt, evil person. It's for the children.

The media and their liberal, over-educated Ph.D. sociologists would have you believe that homosexuals may be more likely to commit suicide because of the tremendous pain of alienation and exile from their families, friends and society in general.

Once again, ladies and gentlemen, look at the facts. The all-loving power of God has sent us here to taunt and oppress homosexuals because they are obviously the spawn of Satan, otherwise why would they make us so uncomfortable? Why would they give us such intriguing sexual thoughts? I mean just look at them. Being ... different.

The illegal drug use information is extremely important because it is not only a deterrent to being gay but to using drugs, because all young people who use drugs are gay. All this malarkey about illegal drug use as evidence for depression due to prejudice from much of American society in the homosexual community is a dangerous message to send to our young people. Gay people are not depressed; they are "gay." Happy in the realm of the fallen angel Lucifer all the live long day, and it is we who are depressed at their very existence.

The fact that they use drugs that are deemed illegal is evidence that they should be illegal as well. Why can't they abuse Prozac, alcohol and Xanax like decent people? Just as the anti-terrorism effort is important in America, so too is the anti-moral corruption movement. We are not just after homosexuals but the abhorrent scum that harbors them.

We must stop young people from accepting and understanding the heathen homosexual community, because if we don't teach future generations to hate what is different, why ... they wouldn't hate what is different and God would be ... mad.

Yes, God would be mad. Hate is, of course, implicit in the teachings of God. By defining marriage as a life-long union, we expose those people who have been "divorced" as having never been married and their children as bastards. Also, by mentioning that it is between one man and one woman, it dispels the belief, which all sixth-graders have, that marriage is only between gay couples.

Fear not, America. Help is on the way. Thanks to our fabulous campaign for moral values, which is invading our nation quicker than a John Kerry flip-flop, soon homosexuals will have absolutely no rights or respect whatsoever.

And now a note from reality: Conservatives, get over yourselves.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Girls Gone Wild, In Our Own Way

By K. Pearson Brown
Washington Blade

I knew which direction Matt Lauer’s “Today” show interview was headed when he was recently chatting up VH-1’s Rachel Harris and New York mag’s Sarah Bernard, supposed experts on “girl crushes.”

The women were explaining the phenomenon of innocent infatuations that make women nervous and giddy around other women. You could see Matt perched on the edge of his seat as his cohort Ann Curry squirmed in hers.

“Is this ever sexual?” he finally asked.

The guests, in very politically correct fashion, stated that, while there’s nothing wrong with that, girl crushes are friendly and platonic. You could see Matt droop with disappointment.

What’s up with men’s women-on-women fantasies? It seems every straight porno — not that I’m saying I’ve ever seen one — features at least one good lesbo scene. Like the doctors who scoff at the verisimilitude of E.R. or lawyers who sneer at the courtroom antics on “The Practice,” lesbians watch those flicks — again, not that I’ve ever seen one — and cringe at the spectacle of two straight women doing gay for pay and doing it all wrong.

Please. Those long nails, all that spanking and dirty talk — well OK, maybe some of it is real.

I've never doubted Howard Stern’s proclamation that he owes his success to three things: “Lesbians, lesbians, lesbians.”

It seems men can’t get enough of them. Just log onto Craigslist’s “Women Seek Women” to see all the postings from male imposters hoping to pick up a lesbian chick. The tip off: ads for bi-curious girls under 25 looking for a first-time experience who have attached a professional pic that looks amazingly just like a model.

Most lesbians are wise to these tricksters and tag their entries with “NO MEN!!” But that doesn’t stop the guys from trying.

Try and try again. Men will often say to lesbians, “Maybe you just haven’t met the right guy,” which I’ve found is best answered with, “Maybe you haven’t either.” That usually shuts them up, but the fantasies persist.

When I first came out to my ex-husband, the initial shock soon gave way to intrigue. Unfailingly, when a woman utters the word “lesbian,” a straight man will hear “three-way.”

Perhaps it would be best to leave lesbianism to the lesbians. Just ask Jane Fonda, who confessed in her recent tell-all biography that satisfying her first husband’s Sapphic desires was not all it was cracked up to be.

Some lesbians are offended by straight guys’ gawking, while others appreciate that lesbian admiration is not only good for our egos but also good for commerce.

Lesbian chic didn’t hurt the bottom line for Diesel jeans or smear Mac cosmetics, and any every Hollywood exec knows that adding a girl-girl storyline and sliding in a little lesbian sex is a sure sweeps winner.

Showtime’s smash hit “The L Word” is a classic case study. The plot includes an unhealthy dose of dyke drama for reality and a dash of sex to spice things up for men and the ratings. It’s a formula that’s worked, as my straight male co-worker can attest as he sits glued to his tube on Sunday nights eager to see what unfolds next between Bette and Tina.

Even wholesome family man Matt Lauer can’t help but resist the call of lesbians. Just as he perked up for a discourse on girl crushes, he showed equal enthusiasm during last year’s summer Olympics when the spotlight fell on volleyball gold medalists Misty May and Kerri Walsh, who became nearly as famous for their spikes over the net as their congratulatory bottom slapping of each other.

As the tape rolled back no fewer than five times to show their love pats in slow motion, Lauer nailed them with the question every male viewer wanted to know, that is, “What is the significance of the spankings,” making it clear, “Not that we want you to stop.”

I don’t see why they should. You go girls!