Friday, January 02, 2009

New Year's Resolutions for 2009

By the LNews Editor

"And the Top 10 Lesbian Resolutions for 2009 (from some other lame-ass lesbian site) are...." (drum roll, please)

10) Exercise, Eat Healthy and Lose Weight
9) Save Money
8) Pursue a Passion
7) Set Positive Goals
6) Volunteer
5) Nurture Relationships with Friends and Lovers
4) Join the Fight for Lesbian/Women's Rights
3) Meet Someone/Find a Girlfriend
2) Come Out Already
1) Stop Smoking


Enough with the sound effects. And this list. It's all just too much self-improvement. Going for all 10 at once? That's just too much drain on the personal fortitude. Besides, if I actually accomplished all of those, my friends wouldn't recognize me and would probably try to have me committed to the nearest Rubber Ramada.

To achieve success, you need goals that you can actually accomplish. You know how you are, and grand plans go awry so quickly! Here are a few suggestions for your New Year's resolutions:

1) Invest in a pack of Nicorette and see if it actually has an impact on your regular intake of cigarettes. If so, proceed to taper off.

2) Put a rainbow sticker on your car if you don't already have one. Live in a non-gay-friendly zone? Donate a few bucks to the Human Rights Commission (HRC) and they'll send you that blue sticker with the yellow "equals" sign on it, aka the "Stealth Pride" sticker.

3) Instead of stalking chicks through the Craigslist personals, become a chick magnet yourself by being yourself fully and completely. Stop trying so hard and you'll lose that stench of desperation. Seriously, have you ever been tempted to answer an ad that read "Depressed and Lonely"? No, you haven't. Be your own self-sufficient and friendly loveable self -- and love will find you.

4) Invest in your rights by throwing a few bucks at an organization that's fighting for your cause. Rallies and protests may be cathartic, but it takes lawyers and judges to overturn old laws and give you the rights you deserve. Even if you can only spare $5, it's worth it.

5) Start giving other people compliments more often. Every now and then, tell your friends, lovers and co-workers something you really like about them. Examples: "Damn, you've got great hair!" or "That idea of yours was just awesome!" or "Honey, when you walk, it's like watching two love-crazed weasels fighting in a gunny sack, and it makes me tingle in my swimsuit parts."

6) Help somebody who's too proud to ask for help. Don't make a big show of it, either. Just be humbly useful. You never know when helping out a swamped co-worker might gain you a skill that makes you promotable later.

7) Once a week or once a month, do something you've never done before. Sign up for some workshop or training session at the local college, Parks and Recreation or Home Depot. Eat a weird tropical fruit you've always passed by on your trips to the grocery store. Get an old Girl Scouts manual and try to earn a merit badge.

8) Improve your living space. Weed out the superfluous from the essential. Keep the sentimental value stuff, and donate everything that's not really necessary to Goodwill. Hit the dollar store and buy frames for those really great photos you've taken. And be sure to put dates and notes on the backs of those pix for later.

8b) Improve your emotional space. Make a memory box, and separate it by exes. List what was good about the relationship, what positive things you got from it and why you're glad it's over now. Then bury that box deep in your closet.

9) Get serious about your money issues and start throwing wads of cash at your debts. If you only pay the minimum, you're actually paying interest plus $5 toward the actual dept. If the amount you owe is $500, and you only pay the minimum, you'll be paying for... decades. Literally. Paying off a credit card makes Visa/Mastercard, etc. your bitch -- instead of it being vice versa. Every dollar you throw into that IRA is one less package of Ramen you have to eat when you're 80.

10) Get in touch with your inner Amazon. If the first thing people notice about you is the size of your body (as opposed to your great hair, dazzling smile or sparkling wit), yeah, it is time to tone up your bod. Strive to be strong and healthy. Make BBW stand for "big BEAUTIFUL woman" instead of just "slang term for enormously fat woman."

11) -- Know you are appreciated, just because you're here reading this. YOU are what makes keeping LNews going worth the effort!

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