Is Heterosexuality Also a "Choice"?
By Kristen Hebestreet
WSU Signpost
If it's a choice to be gay, then heterosexuality must also be a choice.
When Evergreen International held its annual conference Sept. 16-17 in Salt Lake City, speakers promised anyone could diminish "same-sex attraction."
In response to Evergreen International, the newly formed Everclear Institute now offers a "same-sex indoctrination" program. After all, gay people supposedly have better parties, talents for the arts, dress better and don't contribute to what is rapidly becoming an overwhelming population problem.
(Those who know tacky, boring gay parents and are offended by these stereotypes should be reassured; it's a sign of thinking).
Conservative wings of Christian religions promote the idea that "same-sex attraction" is a chosen, unnatural behavior. Some ultra-conservatives say it may even be the result of "demonic possession," and a successful exorcism can cure this sexual preference.
There are truly people who change sexual preferences - one way or the other - later in life, and there are certainly plenty of bisexuals. There are transgendered friends who may double one's wardrobe. But Everclear is hesitant to blame or credit demonic possession.
Just in case, Everclear plans a mass exorcism as soon as a willing priest can be found; people who might otherwise be gay could very well be possessed by straight demons.
Everclear's big switch is not an impossible goal: Christian conservatives apparently feel it is very easy to "catch" homosexuality. The Everclear Institute thus advocates always sitting next to gay people in class, especially during flu season.
The Christian Right feels homosexuality can even be caught through the media. Just watching a burger-slinging, sea-dwelling cartoon character like Sponge Bob is rumored to inspire same-sex attraction, so perhaps a Sponge Bob Film Festival would be appropriate.
Any future Everclear event should include guest speakers like Tinky Winky, the lavender Teletubby, and Barney the purple dinosaur, both of whom were indicted by Jerry Falwell and other Christian ultra-conservatives as vectors of gayness.
Dr. James Dobson, "Focus on the Family" founder, also outed Jimmy Neutron, but Neutron was such an unpopular cartoon character no one actually cared. We now have gayspiderman.com, so apparently Spidey is gay, too. Spidey gets all dressed up at night and skips from one building to the next, so we should have known.
This reinforces a lurking suspicion that someone in the Falwell camp is sexually attracted to cartoon characters and people who dress up as fuzzy animals. This is such a common predilection that "furries," as they are known, have conventions, parades and support groups. It is odd to think of anyone eyeing Weber State University's Waldo the Wildcat mascot with lust, but it apparently can happen.
The Everclear Institute does not quite know what to make of this, but wishes him or her all the best.
Evergreen International focuses on making male homosexuals - lesbians are not usually addressed because girls are so icky - into men who at least act straight. These "Make Me a Real Man" programs sometimes involve incredibly buff men oiling each other's naked bodies in steamy locker rooms in order to encourage healthy male bonding. No doubt at least a few gay men are beating down those locker room doors, hoping to join the party.
Exodus International, a California-based conversion therapy group, offers lesbians makeovers and wardrobe tips as a crucial step toward change. One shudders to think of a mascara with that much power.
The American Psychiatric Association's 1998 statement on "conversion therapy" says this process can cause depression, anxiety and self-destructive behaviors, particularly since the therapist in this case is reinforcing self-hatred may be felt by the patient.
Oh, balderdash: The Everclear Institute offers the hope that anyone who really wants to change can become gay.
We at the Everclear Institute teach love, acceptance and understanding, even if it means tying a man to a chair and forcing him to listen to old Judy Garland albums until his wrists go limp.
As a form of aversion therapy, women who come to Everclear will be flogged with cattle prods whenever they show too much interest in those sweaty, muscular men doing Bikram yoga. These women will then be issued flannel shirts and black Doc Marten combat boots. Acquiring an aversion to meat is optional.
After all, heterosexual men and women sometimes look at each other over what appears to be an insurmountable gender divide. Stereotypes abound of the bestial, violent men and evil women who double as wallet-sucking lampreys. Recently divorced folk sometimes long for what they perceive might be a less complicated relationship with a best friend.
Everclear offers the caveat that one is always dealing with another human being, and any communication is therefore difficult. Although John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was a popular seller in spite of teaching men like to solve problems and women only want to talk, Everclear suspects most people - even the Uranians are from earth.
WSU Signpost
If it's a choice to be gay, then heterosexuality must also be a choice.
When Evergreen International held its annual conference Sept. 16-17 in Salt Lake City, speakers promised anyone could diminish "same-sex attraction."
In response to Evergreen International, the newly formed Everclear Institute now offers a "same-sex indoctrination" program. After all, gay people supposedly have better parties, talents for the arts, dress better and don't contribute to what is rapidly becoming an overwhelming population problem.
(Those who know tacky, boring gay parents and are offended by these stereotypes should be reassured; it's a sign of thinking).
Conservative wings of Christian religions promote the idea that "same-sex attraction" is a chosen, unnatural behavior. Some ultra-conservatives say it may even be the result of "demonic possession," and a successful exorcism can cure this sexual preference.
There are truly people who change sexual preferences - one way or the other - later in life, and there are certainly plenty of bisexuals. There are transgendered friends who may double one's wardrobe. But Everclear is hesitant to blame or credit demonic possession.
Just in case, Everclear plans a mass exorcism as soon as a willing priest can be found; people who might otherwise be gay could very well be possessed by straight demons.
Everclear's big switch is not an impossible goal: Christian conservatives apparently feel it is very easy to "catch" homosexuality. The Everclear Institute thus advocates always sitting next to gay people in class, especially during flu season.
The Christian Right feels homosexuality can even be caught through the media. Just watching a burger-slinging, sea-dwelling cartoon character like Sponge Bob is rumored to inspire same-sex attraction, so perhaps a Sponge Bob Film Festival would be appropriate.
Any future Everclear event should include guest speakers like Tinky Winky, the lavender Teletubby, and Barney the purple dinosaur, both of whom were indicted by Jerry Falwell and other Christian ultra-conservatives as vectors of gayness.
Dr. James Dobson, "Focus on the Family" founder, also outed Jimmy Neutron, but Neutron was such an unpopular cartoon character no one actually cared. We now have gayspiderman.com, so apparently Spidey is gay, too. Spidey gets all dressed up at night and skips from one building to the next, so we should have known.
This reinforces a lurking suspicion that someone in the Falwell camp is sexually attracted to cartoon characters and people who dress up as fuzzy animals. This is such a common predilection that "furries," as they are known, have conventions, parades and support groups. It is odd to think of anyone eyeing Weber State University's Waldo the Wildcat mascot with lust, but it apparently can happen.
The Everclear Institute does not quite know what to make of this, but wishes him or her all the best.
Evergreen International focuses on making male homosexuals - lesbians are not usually addressed because girls are so icky - into men who at least act straight. These "Make Me a Real Man" programs sometimes involve incredibly buff men oiling each other's naked bodies in steamy locker rooms in order to encourage healthy male bonding. No doubt at least a few gay men are beating down those locker room doors, hoping to join the party.
Exodus International, a California-based conversion therapy group, offers lesbians makeovers and wardrobe tips as a crucial step toward change. One shudders to think of a mascara with that much power.
The American Psychiatric Association's 1998 statement on "conversion therapy" says this process can cause depression, anxiety and self-destructive behaviors, particularly since the therapist in this case is reinforcing self-hatred may be felt by the patient.
Oh, balderdash: The Everclear Institute offers the hope that anyone who really wants to change can become gay.
We at the Everclear Institute teach love, acceptance and understanding, even if it means tying a man to a chair and forcing him to listen to old Judy Garland albums until his wrists go limp.
As a form of aversion therapy, women who come to Everclear will be flogged with cattle prods whenever they show too much interest in those sweaty, muscular men doing Bikram yoga. These women will then be issued flannel shirts and black Doc Marten combat boots. Acquiring an aversion to meat is optional.
After all, heterosexual men and women sometimes look at each other over what appears to be an insurmountable gender divide. Stereotypes abound of the bestial, violent men and evil women who double as wallet-sucking lampreys. Recently divorced folk sometimes long for what they perceive might be a less complicated relationship with a best friend.
Everclear offers the caveat that one is always dealing with another human being, and any communication is therefore difficult. Although John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" was a popular seller in spite of teaching men like to solve problems and women only want to talk, Everclear suspects most people - even the Uranians are from earth.
posted by LNewsEditor at 9:19 AM
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